my own kind of beautiful

Fatherly Wisdom

2010-10-21T18:10:00.000-07:00

Late at night during a pity party a wise man (my dad) once said, "It doesn't matter how it happened, what are you going to do about it tomorrow?"

Profound words those.

I Am Me

2010-06-19T14:05:00.001-07:00

There's something that feels so good about being myself. Sometimes I have a hard time not conforming to others opinions and thoughts, and it is imprisoning. This seems so funny, but I recently admitted to liking Hannah Montana, and although it was readily scoffed at, I can now laugh at the show out loud. And it feels good to laugh out loud.

I've had a hard time finding myself for the last while. Especially where I live now. I don't have the opportunity to play sports, I have more demands on my time (although beautiful demands, mostly), the other girls I know all want to do crafts and I don't, etc. Anyway, I noticed that this past year I was putting myself down to make other people feel special or smart or cool. And the result - I have negated myself down to the size of a small undesirable with no ounce of self esteem or the ability to stand up for myself. I've been nearly squished.

Now, don't think that I know exactly how to fix this. It's not like it is going to go away easily, especially after cultivating it for months on months. I suppose I'll have to try and create a habit in the other direction. And it's going to be hard.

Did you know that I can draw? I didn't, at least, I forgot I could. I found a couple of my drawings the other week when I was cleaning out some old files. They were from high school, almost 10 years ago.

And it begins. Finding myself. I went running yesterday, which I don't like, but it makes me feel good to exercise. Step one.

Now on to step two. I'm going to draw a picture.

2010-05-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

Curious

2010-03-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

I {Heart} Mom...Dragon...Owl...Naked Girl...School of Choice...Gang Sign..

Black...White...Silver...White.White....Black..Red....Green...Blue...Black.White...Yellow...

Have you ever wondered why people are willing to tatoo their bodies, something that doesn't go away, something that doesn't look especially good, but most people aren't willing to do anything to their cars/trucks?

I think that people should ditch spicing up their bodies and start working on their cars. I want to see some pink cars out there!

And one day, I'm gonna paint an old bug like a lady bug - it's gonna be awesome!

Have I done any good in the world today?

2010-02-21T20:38:00.001-08:00

it's raining again

2009-12-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

listen

drip

drop

water the ground

sense the flower feeling the rain

getting ready to grow

today i will

2009-12-02T14:39:00.000-08:00

"TODAY I will welcome surprises.

TODAY I will do one small, brave thing.

TODAY I will be my own best self.

today i will."

Eileen & Jerry Spinelli

Quotes

2009-09-19T14:56:00.001-07:00

"Never be at the airport when your ship comes in."

"You either get your butt kicked or you are a butt-kicker."

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body. Rather, one should skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, 'Wow!! What a ride!'"

Bad Conversation

2009-06-19T22:16:00.000-07:00

"You're due soon, right?"

"Two months."

"Oh..."

Good News

2009-05-01T08:51:00.001-07:00

The lilacs are blooming!

G. K. Chesterton

2009-04-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

“How much larger your life would be if your self could become smaller in it; if you could really look at other men [and women] with common curiosity and pleasure. … You would break out of this tiny and tawdry theatre in which your own little plot is always being played, and you would find yourself under a freer sky, and in a street full of splendid strangers.”

The Wings of a Butterfly

2009-04-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

Softly they lie
On the palm of my hand
The wings of a butterfly
Lightly caressing
Colors so rare
Wings delicately fine
Move with a flutter
Now they are mine
There is much in my power
Save or destroy
Clasp them up tightly
Release and enjoy
Control and dominion
Freedom in flight
The choice is mine
To have or to hold
Holding means losing
And having, let go

-Someone Beautiful

Dreaming of Summer

2009-01-14T09:18:00.000-08:00

Summer! Summer! Please come fast
This winter snow just seems to last

I'm sad inside and all bogged down
My lips they wear a sad, sad frown

I want the sun and flowers too
To see the birds fly in the blue

The hope is there within my reach
A lesson life is trying to teach

Loving life through darkest day
With greater joy in brightest May

Through patience I am taugh to wait
Until I pass through Summer's gate

The dream's still there but I'm not blind
It's hope that I'm required to find

-Someone Beautiful

Christmas

2008-12-09T11:42:00.001-08:00

This year I set up my beautiful Nativity and a one-foot Christmas tree with decorations. Maybe tonight I can put some lights on the balcony and in the windows. We decorated at work today and it looks beautiful. I have been playing Christmas music almost non-stop since December 1st, and I have more meaningful Christmas presents for the people that I love. Christmas is a beautiful time. I love Christmas.

Cuties

2008-12-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

My fingers smell really good right now because I just had two Cuties, and they were so good! I've never been a big orange person, but after going to California for Thanksgiving and having them all the time, I had to get some for myself. They are easy to peel and yummy to eat. Just great!

Figures

2008-09-30T15:34:00.001-07:00

So I don't have all that many clothes, especially nice slacks and things. Today I decided to wear a pair of khaki's with a ratty set of hems around the ankles because I figured that no one would be looking at my feet anyway. Wrong. We had to walk to a large meeting and my boss's boss was behind me. When I looked back he was looking at my ankles. Great. Figures.

And I still think it's funny! Ha ha...

Today I Am...

2008-09-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

If I was a color, today I would be an aqua blue. Or maybe it's an aqua green. Anyhow, some sort of aqua. I ate mango salsa for the first time today and liked it. I am reading a book about people and almost without a plot. That's kind of how life is anyway. I wonder what my plot is. My life evolves, I change, people change, but there isn't anything I could firmly dictate as the plot. Maybe when my life is over I will be able to label it. Perhaps I don't want it labeled with a plot. I don't know, I'll have to think this one over. Have a great plotty day!

Lesson Learned, Once Again

2008-09-19T13:53:00.001-07:00

Well, I guess there's a lesson to learn about caring too much about what other people think. I cared too much, and now look where I'm at, I'm stuck! And the activities I'm participating in aren't fun, like they were supposed to be. I have four various activities that I am participating in and I was looking forward to two of them, and just tagging along for the other two. Well, it's turned out that I am having more fun with the ones that I am just along for the ride, and the others are just becoming stressful. There's the lesson for you, just have fun with life's various activities I guess.

How long will it be until I forget it and have to learn it all over again?

I Am Me

2008-09-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

I am me. Not you, not her, not anyone else. I look like me, I talk like me, I even act like me. And the cool part is, you look like you, you talk like you, and you even act like you. I have dreams, hopes, expectations, desires, and I bet they are different than yours. What do you care about? Today I feel as if I was a cool breeze blowing in from the ocean, inspiring introspective thoughts and feelings. If I was a color, I'd probably be a different color than you, and even if we are the same color, which is okay, it might be safe to say that we are different shades. I'm a little disappointed that it isn't raining, and on Saturday I want to go watch a 6 year-old's soccer game. I've decided that I like odd books, and I have fun people-watching. Sometimes I frustrate myself, but I am happy to be me, and I am sure glad that you are you. I feel like a daisy, basking in the warm, soothing sun leftover from summer.

Thank you for being you, for being someone different from anyone else. For appreciating who you are. Thank you for letting me be me, and laughing your way through life with me. Thank you for not caring if my clothes match or if I have nice toenail polish on. I'm glad that you always wear your hair that way and that you laugh laugh that way. It's nice to see someone who looks like them self instead of like everyone else. I'm glad that you are you, and I'm glad that I am me.

Goin' to the Country...

2008-09-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

...gonna eat a lot o' peaches.

Love, love, love peaches. Juice dripping down your chin and fingers. Ripe, and sweet, and oh so divine!

I'm grateful for peaches.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2008-09-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

This is the song that my dad used to sing to me at night as I was going to bed. Every time I hear it I think of him. When my little brother was born I would sing it to him when he cried and his cry would fade away and he would just watch me, or lay quiely against my shoulder. As I am away from my family, I think of them, just over the rainbow.

a different kind of girl

2008-08-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

here is today's less than enjoyable experience, but hey, that's how life goes sometimes. today I was talking with some people in the back of the office and a co-worker from my previous job came and joined us. the conversation continued, and during a lull, i jokingly asked him if he was bored without me there, and all my incessant chatting. he replied that he had actually had an enjoyable morning and i remembered having seen a very fun co-worker over there with my previous group and having a great time. i made a comment about it, but he was already continuing on to say, actually, i was thinking to myself earlier that it is pretty fun here with someone beautiful gone, no offense or anything. a gasp emerges from the girl behind me. i feel hurt, and surprised because he had always been so nice and i didn't expect that.

i admit, this was frustrating. i don't really care too much about the comment itself because i know that i am not one of the more fun people in the office, but it helped to resurface the insecurities that i feel about myself and to further emphasize that the most funny, beautiful, witty, and excitable people seem to be the most valued. i'll admit, it took me a little bit to think about not being angry at him. it took me a little bit to realize and remember that although the people listed above are the most prominent, it is the people who are kindest, most loving, most honest, and so on, who are the most important to others at the end of the day.

my friend told me a story about dropping the boot. she said that one day she and her brother were having a pity party when they realized that they had more power than to whine and cry about their situation. her brother picked up the boot and said, once this boot hits the floor, we move on with happiness and confidence. and so, when he dropped it, they did.

and so, I drop the boot.

She's Beautiful

2008-07-30T20:21:00.001-07:00

Pretend you work in an office. Someone is leaving and someone new is hired. She walks in on her first day. You notice her pregnant belly, blemishes on her face, her wedding rings hanging on a necklace because they are too small for her finger. She is neatly dressed and seems pleasant enough. A few days go by. She seems to be picking everything up fairly well and learning quickly. But, at one month from being due, she begins to have contractions, her water breaks but reseals, she hurts. She goes to the hospital twice during the week and it is possible she will be having her baby soon. You know that if she has her baby she will miss a large portion of training with the person who is leaving, and that when she comes back you will be the one in charge of training her.

I heard someone complaining about this situation during a visit to our office yesterday. Can't blame them, it's inconvenient.

Here is what I know of this girl, as she is my friend. She is an extremely hard worker and never quits. Her husband has a disease that requires her to take care of their family, plus he is in school. The company that she was previously working for is going bankrupt and owes her a lot of money. Her baby is coming early. She is completely loyal and has a beautiful, optimistic personality. Her family has nearly disowned her for joining another church. She is always thinking of others.

It is interesting how a situation can go from being something undesirable to an opportunity to show compassion, and to realize that it is a privilege to know that person. I become more and more aware of the ways in which I judge others because of what I know about them in the first 10 minutes of meeting them. There have been some times when I realize that someone could take what I have said or done in the wrong way, but if they just knew what I was thinking or what the situation was, they would understand the meaning behind my words or actions.

It is amazing how beautiful people can be when we take the time to know them and their story.

It Gets Better

2008-07-29T18:21:00.000-07:00

Not only did things settle down in the office that I was working in, but I was offered a position in another part of our division with some people that I like very much. On top of that, I was offered a very nice salary raise. The head of our division spoke with me this afternoon and told me that there are good employees, and there are star employees, and that he has been very grateful that I have been one of the star employees. I was grateful he told me that, and that my hard work is appreciated and has paid off. I don't mind the salary raise either.

We really are taken care of. We just need to learn a little bit of patience and how to pray along the way.

Life is beautiful.

Head in the Clouds

2008-07-26T18:42:00.000-07:00

I got on the plane sat near the front next to the window to wait and watch for evening to fall. The sun cast the plane's shadow on the ground, and with the roaring of the engine it seemed as if it were a great growling beast. As we gathered speed the shadow kept pace until we left the ground, where it seemed to shrink and lighten until it was a small little kitten racing across the flat farm and dessert land.

When I am up in the air I can see how small I am in my little world. I can see houses and fields and buildings and dreams just populating the land and valleys and hills. But for some beautiful reason, I can feel, sometimes more perfectly than in our crowded and noisy little world, that God truly does love me, that He knows me, and that He is very aware of me flying over the world. And He whispers that He loves me.

Life is beautiful.

It has been very cloudy in the area I have been flying through and the sunset was beautiful. A deep ruby red accented with thick pearly white clouds. As we flew through the city we were descending to, it looked like a fairy tale painting, with small lights flickering on, the sunset illuminated in the lakes and rivers, and boats docked at the shore.

The world is beautiful in just the right places.

And Thus It Was...

2008-07-10T22:53:00.000-07:00

Today we were just informed as to our new roles in the office. I will be keeping my responsibilities and doing my job in the spot that I was supposed to be in. For now. But hey, it all works out somehow.

I really do feel blessed.

The Feeling of Time and Its Passing

2008-07-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

Satisfaction

2008-07-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

The Adventure...

2008-06-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

Life is funny. It really is. Sometimes it just stinks, but a lot of the time there is something amusing about it. Oh, and be careful what you wish for. You just may get it.

I've been struggling with work for awhile now. Usually because it is boring and I want something worthwhile to do. I have been working in my office for almost 5 years now. I started in my current position back in October, and have become so efficient that I often have a lot of time to waste blog surfing. Do you think that you can become too efficient? I'd have to say that, yeah, you probably can. Now, I don't have any less work than anyone else, I just choose to blaze through it, whereas, others like to talk their way through the day. I'm in a back corner, not many people to talk to unless I'm not at my desk. And I just work hard.

Yesterday my boss asked me what I think about giving up my job to two part-timers and helping another girl in our office. I told her I have lots of thoughts, but no words. Finally a few came out. "I like my job, and I don't like hers." Yikes.

After thinking about it for a little bit, I figured out the whole royal complicated plot. If they move me, then they have an acceptable reason to move another girl into our office and me out of it. I don't think that I am disliked, I am just not as well liked as the other girl who is going to be outside our office at the direction of higher administration.

And great, my efficiency has made this all possible. Anyone can do my job. It doesn't take very long. No big deal.

Well, here's the "beautiful" part. This all may just have given me the motivation and incentive to look for another, better job. With people who appreciate hard work, value dedication, and reward accordingly.

Can you feel the freedom coming?

So I'll Give it a Try

2008-06-22T08:22:00.001-07:00

Here are my attempts at something I have never done before and I don't know if I am good at. I took a small class on photography and was given some helpful tips about taking pictures. I suppose that landscapes and flowers aren't all that exciting, but I think that they are beautiful. The pictures could probably use some work, but I had a good time. And that's what really matters, right?

It looks like the swan is looking at its reflection.

As a Little Child

2008-06-20T15:15:00.001-07:00

When I was little I would often "dance" in front of our fireplace shield. It would reflect my feet as I shuffled them as quickly as I could, one in front of the other and back again. I danced and danced and danced, often asking people to watch me, sure they would be impressed with how fast I could move as I danced in front of my reflection. I'm sure most people said, "That's nice," or "Uh-huh," and moved on, which was okay for me. But when no one was looking I was still satisfied, knowing that I was a good dancer.

Sometimes I stop and think about our responses to compliments as adults, and how much we rely on those compliments to keep doing what we want to do. And yet, I used to respond to compliments with, "Well thanks, but I don't really do it that well," or "I don't know about that," and other such things as this. Sometimes I am afraid to do something that I know I don't do well, or I'm not sure if I do it well, even if I enjoy doing it.

A friend and I were talking about children and how humble and honest and full of faith they are. They do things if they want to, not because they are good at it, and they love it anyway. I could use more of this. Doing things because I want to and because it brings satisfaction, and not because I am good at it. I have also learned that it is okay to say, "Thank you, I really appreciate it." I think that when we are gracious we let the person giving the compliment know that their opinion is valid, and that we do, after all, have something to offer. My friend said that she heard this from another friend one time. "When you deny a compliment, you are denying that God gave you a gift." God gave us so many gifts, let us not deny that we have them!

Dance because you love it.

There Was a Boy

2008-06-14T11:10:00.001-07:00

The other day I saw a boy who made me cry. He was walking down the sidewalk, hugging the tall bushes that reached over him. Lilac bushes with no flowers left. It must have been his trying to hide from all eyes that caught my attention. He was about 15 or 16 years old with unkempt hair. His black suit pants were six inches from the tops of his shoes, showing his white socks and some of the skin of his leg. His tie was askew, and his eyes were cloudy. He looked so unhappy, and so angry, that it hurt to look at him. From our location, I knew that he was there for a youth camp. I'm sure his parents sent him there to make friends, but I wondered how kind people were to him. As we passed, I wanted to stop and ask him to tell me about it. To tell me what was wrong, to see if I could help. I didn't know what to say to him that would make it all any better. I smiled at him, hoping it would communicate to him that someone cared, that I cared. Guilt rode me all the way home, and when I finally got there, I cried.

Yesterday I went to a retreat for work and had a great time. We were all put in groups with people that we didn't know very well, and because I chose a service group, many of the people I met were older women. I loved to hear their stories. Throughout the day I began to notice a middle-aged woman who never seemed to talk to anyone else. She was slightly over-weight, never smiled, and ate at every meal by herself. We had a class together and she didn't talk to anyone. I wished that someone would talk to her and wondered why she was alone and seemingly unhappy.

It was at the end of the day when I noticed that she was again by herself that I remembered the sad boy who I had wanted to talk to. Here was another opportunity and I didn't want to miss it. I went and sat by her and talked to her. She was shy, and had a beautiful soft voice. She told me a little bit about herself at my prompting, and I also learned she asks very good questions about others. We didn't talk for very long, but I learned that she is beautiful.

Just like the boy is beautiful.

I missed an opportunity with the boy, but life is merciful, and God is merciful, and sometimes we get new chances to do what we wished we would have. To change part of the world in a small moment, to make someone happy.

And perhaps, greatest of all, to change ourselves.

Memories

2008-05-28T13:51:00.000-07:00

It's funny the nature of memories. One minute you're mindlessly entering data into the computer, and then something sweet triggers a dusty corner in your mind and you are swept away by a small, seemingly insignificant moment. Mine was a time when I was little. I remember a nice summer evening, shorts, cattails, baseball, muddy water, tadpoles, small friends, happiness.

2008-05-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

I Love Rain! It is so beautiful! When dark rolling clouds race across the sky and the wind blows the trees it thrills me. From the window I sit next to I can see the wind blowing flower petals through the air in colorful swirls, almost as if the flower fairies are excited to dance through the wind. The trees are waving their long arms in one direction then another, faster, faster.

And then it is still.

Soon the wind builds up and the lightning strikes. One, two, three, four, Boom! Pat, pat, pat... the rain comes, slowly at first and then it builds in strength. People hurry by, umbrellas pulling in their hands. My window is covered in small diamonds of water and light, some racing from the top to the bottom, pulling others with them.

Soon I will walk home and listen to the sound of the rain falling on the hood of my jacket and watch it bounce on the ground, little ripples moving across the surface of quickly growing puddles. I will laugh out loud and hurry home to a nice warm blanket and good book, opening the window until I am too cold and breathing in the fresh smell of rain.

Life is beautiful.

How It Started

2008-04-30T20:24:00.001-07:00

This is how it started. I was actually rather frustrated because of the injustices I felt and I wanted to post it to the whole world. Um...yeah. Who wants to read of someone complaining all the time anyway? There is enough of that going around. I wanted something beautiful, I wanted to feel beautiful, not to dwell in my perceived misery. So I decided to look for beautiful things in my life rather than those things which are not so beautiful. I may write about things that frustrate me, but I intend to find something beautiful that came from those experiences. So many of our blessings come in ways that we never expected, and I think that they are often so much more beautiful because of it.

Life is beautiful.

What's in a Name?

2008-04-22T13:46:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted a pseudo-name, but I surprised myself by picking "Someone Beautiful." This isn't an egotistical name. I am just your average looking person, you wouldn't notice me from anyone else on the street, and this has never bothered me too much. Well, not usually. I do frustrate myself when I don't fix my hair nicely or run out of time to wear something nice and have to run where I am going. But mostly I have cared about how I fit in this world and where my place is in life and whether I am making a difference to anyone else. Someone Beautiful is an ideal I have in mind. To be kinder, more considerate and thoughtful, happy, patient, perfectly honest, an optimist, etc. I want to be like the teacher one remembers in elementary school who made all the difference, the person who was your friend when no one else was, and the person who smiles at you when you are having a bad day. I want to be Someone Beautiful.

End of Spring Break

2008-04-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

I get to teach the little people at church on Sunday's and I absolutely love them! Today was quite the adventure because they were coming out of a week of no school. If I could have bottled up all their energy I'm sure I could be making millions with a new way to energize the earth. I'll have to work on that one. We had so much fun though. We sang energetic songs, songs about the Prophet and ancient prophets, and most importantly, songs about Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father's love for us. With the one and a half year olds we sang, "I Am a Child of God," and although they don't talk yet, they all sang the song as they could. If you want to see God's love, watch it radiate from the face of a child who knows that God loves them. It was beautiful. Children are beautiful. Life is beautiful.

First One of the Year

2008-04-20T19:22:00.000-07:00

I hit my first barbeque this weekend. I also went for my first real bike ride of the year to get there and back. I suppose I shouldn't have put the two together, but it was sure fun. I haven't had a nice greasy burger in a long time. Barbecues bring back lots of fun memories of being a kid and playing outside with all the people that I love. Luckily they are still just as fun.

Change of Perspective

2008-04-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

When I originally thought of writing a happiness blog, or a "well that's what happens in life but we can still find beautiful and happy things" blog, I was thinking about a change of mind that I recently experienced. Sometimes life is hard, sometimes life is hard for a long time, but I have come to realize that we can either choose to dwell on it and think about it, and consider life as an injustice, or we can find the beautiful things that really are abundant in our lives, and all the blessings that God has given to us and are continually available for us. I think that with a focus on the beautiful things, and on the ways that we can help focus on others and their needs, we find that perhaps our problems aren't so large, or that someone else needs our focus more than we need our focus.

Life is beautiful.

Springtime

2008-04-17T11:48:00.001-07:00

The sun is shining and everyone is out and about and smiling and happy. I love spring! I feel like I haven't heard the birds singing and people walking slowly in such a long time. I'm so glad that after winter spring and summer comes, even if it is late sometimes. It seems like a good parallel for life too. Bad things happen, but something good always seems to come next, even if it takes a little bit longer to get there than it seems it should. Life is beautiful.

Life Really is Beautiful

2008-04-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

I really love sunflowers. I love how they grow on the sides of the road during the summer. It's as if they are really little sunbeams that flew from the sun and got stuck in the dirt where they grew to make us happy. Sunflowers are my flowers of preference. They are bright and cheerful, friendly, forgiving, and ever so happy.